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Fearing Desires

What happens when something you are deathly afraid of, is the same something you want so deeply? You are faced with turning and flying for your life or fighting every obstacle and fear to reach out for that dream. Your head pounds, your heart races, logic and emotion do not see eye to eye, and it feels like you are at war with yourself.

I do not like tension or the wars desires can create within me. I cannot win when I am trying to either fight or run from myself. The only way I could see out of this dilemma was to kill every desire. Instead of “'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” I believed it would be better to squelch ever desire, than want and run the risk of being heartbroken and disappointed.

I could handle disappointment in certain areas, but not where my deepest desires were concerned. I felt that if I acknowledged certain desires and then became disillusioned; I would be damage beyond repair. Nothing could control the desires. Nothing could stop the pain. Not even God. I started to unconsciously bury every emotion and desire that I could ever hurt me.

As I have been rediscovering who I am and all those desires I have ignored. I have felt like a completely different person has taken over inside of me. Instead of disregarding desires and emotions, I have been discovering them as God brushes away the years of dust and neglect. After the years of ignoring and burying, I am surrendering and trusting that He knows what He is doing.

Part of me was suffocated because I was afraid my desires would never come to fruition and that reaching for those dreams would equal blindly jumping off a cliff. I tried to sculpt my heart and mind to become callous to the aspirations that might cause pain or would take the control out of my own hands. I thought I was protecting myself. Yet, all I was really doing was trying to cut and separate my heart and who I am from what God created me to be.

I still do not understand most of my desires. I still struggle with wanting something, but then thinking it will never happen. My logic tells me I will be hurt and disappointed by allowing these desires to have any footing. My fear still wants to control and limit.

However, none of that matters when I know and trust that my God is sovereign. He is my Creator and has fashioned me perfectly in His eyes and for His purpose. He is my Protector and knows the hairs on my head and keeps my tears in a bottle. He is Trust worthy and my desires are not. I can surrender and trust everything into His hands and not be afraid. As I keep my focus on Him, I can acknowledge the dreams and desires I am feeling and know they will only come true if He allows it. I trust Him and I cannot wait to see where He leads me.

"To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways; we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness; it should rather be an expression of breathless expectations" Oswald Chambers
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Defining Moments

What are the moments that are decisive in your life? I am not talking about momentous occasions. Like discovering you really like anchovies, while relishing the view of the Mediterranean Sea in Corniglia, Italy (even though that was life shattering). They are smaller and inconsequential as they pass by, but they have the ability to change your panorama of life.

True defining moments are the ones that transform the trajectory of your life. They allow you to discover who you were created to be, and impact your vision of your Savior. It can be as simple as a question or complex as a line in a movie. It might be a challenge from a book or unexpected compliment from acquaintance. God’s has used those humble moments and the thoughts that emanated from them to drastically shake my comprehension of this world.

It feels like the very core of me changed in the past 10 months. I haven’t experienced a life-shattering earthquake or had a love one pass away. But I have encountered a sequence, of what appeared to be small and unconnected events, which have become defining moments in my life. Looking back, I have discovered I am not the same girl that was hiding from her heart and the world last spring.

I am not sure what happened, or how to convey the thoughts and revelations that have flashed across my sky. My life view, perspective on reality, and how I see myself, changed. It may have started with a probing question from a friend or maybe it was three congruent statements on how people see me from unexpected sources. Possible it was the challenge I read in a book or a song that played on the radio.

Each moment brought a thought, which God use to unearthed something hidden inside me. It might have been a buried pain, or a secret desire, or even a fear that have dictated my reasoning and perspective. He did not waste those moments. Instead He used all the struggles and confusion that stemmed from those moments, to challenge my thinking, my logic, but most importantly my view of Him.

I know that my journey is not finished. I know that I still color truths to fit my perspective. I know that I hide from the world and myself. Yet, the thing that is stronger then any of that knowledge. The one thing I can trust and believe in, is my Father uses the smallest moments of my life to declare His glory and transform my relationship with Him. He is molding into a passionated, loving, and confident woman of God

“As happens sometimes, a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment” John Steinbeck
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Inspired Truths

A New Year's resolution for 2009 was to blog once a month. Well, basketball season has started again and I am writing my first post of the year. I am not going to call this a failure, but rather chalk it up to having so much going on in my life I couldn't decided what to write about. Personally that sounds like a rather feasible explanation.

The word to describe how I am feeling right now is [ inspired: -verb ]. Not just about blogging, but about life in general. After months of battling a whole rang of logic, fears and emotions; wishing I could just have a manuel to life, failures and relationships. I am feeling...no...I am, inspired. To live. To breath. To accomplish the impossible. To take a leap of faith.

What inspired me? What changed? Seeing lies, but more so grasping truth. I was trapped in lies, fears and failures. I could not raise my eyes past the waves crashing around me. All I could see was me and what I have done. But my Saviour was standing over me with out stretched hands, beckoning me to see the truth of who I am in Him.

God uses interesting techniques to pound truths into my head. Star Trek. Bible verse. Chasing the Lion audio series by Matt Batterson. A book about the Marines and management. Relationships. Song lyrics. and His still small voice. Seeing these truths is giving me a whole different perspective on life, myself and my future.

At this very moment my heart and head are bursting with everything I want to communicate. Everything I want to do and dream about. I have a relationship with the God of the impossible and I am catching His vision for my life. It is so Big. Amazing. Stunning. Unreachable from where I stand. and so Inspiring. These are the truths I am living.

 I am Christ filled. I am changing the world. I am reaching and loving people. I am a daughter of the King. I am an inspiring leader. I am living a legacy. I am called and chosen for a purpose. I am a success. I am priceless.

       What truths inspire you?      
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Drowning in Living Water

Sometimes I feel like I am drowning.
Life is flying by in a torrent of water, I can't breath.

There is a rush, I want to come up for air.
I can't do it any more.

Why am I even fighting?
There is nothing here worthy living for.
I just want to leave it all behind and fly to my Savior.
Why should I go through all this pain and disappointment?

Then I turn my eyes upward.
I am drowning, but not in the way I thought.
There is a rush and struggle, but it makes me want to live.

I am under a stream of Living Water.
It is rushing over me, reviving my passions, and giving me new life.
I am not being held down by force.
I have had my face turned down, looking at the sharp rocks on the bottom.
I have to turn up and realize that I am floating.

"And {she} shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of waters, that bringeth forth {her} fruit in {her} season; {her} leaf also shall not wither and whatsoever {she} doeth shall prosper." Psalms 1:3

"For {she} shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when the heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit."
Jeremiah 17:8

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Sorry :(

Oh, well. I have never been good at blogging, but I think I totally blew it this time. Over six months and only one post. It isn't like I have been overly busy or anything. Just every time I think of something to blog, I become extremely lazy and don't want to find my laptop. Enough excuses, now for an update. Well, that is if anybody reads this.

I was a team leader for EXCEL this fall. It was an amazing growing experience. God's hand guided and strengthened me to lengths I never thought I could reach.

I went to London for ten days in early December with my Grand-Father. I was able to see some of the most beautiful art and architecture. The food was amazing and I was able to eat at Jamie Oliver's restaurant Fifteen :) It was a once-in-a-life-time chance to spend ten days with my Grand-Father touring history, ships, and museums. I loved it and can't wait to go back someday.

It is my New Years (semi) resolution to post more. We will see if it happens.
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Ready, set, 20

Today I turned twenty; yes, twenty. I am no longer a teenager, but I am still not an adult (I have one more year until I can rent a car). I thought that I would feel different. Maybe more grown up??? But sadly no, I still act like a 12 year old and spray my brothers with cans of silly string.

I had one friend who asked if I felt any wiser. Well, not really. I have learned a lot over the past couple of months. I can look back to over a year ago and see how immature I was. However, I don't think one digit makes you any wiser. I always thought you knew everything by the time you turned 25. I no longer think that is true, but if it is, I have a lot of catching up to do.

I can't wait to see what this year holds. What changes will come to my life and how will I adapt? My wish for this year is that I grow spiritually, have another 2 months in TX, travel to the far corners of the earth, go skydiving?!?!, and that I am prepared for whatever else God has planned for me.

Oh, one thing I did learn today, is that eating a pint of strawberry ice cream in 20 minutes is not a wise idea.
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I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff. My life is spreading out in front of me and I am not sure if I want to look. I have had this feeling before, but those times seem so trivial. This time I have to make a couple of major life decisions.

I thought I had my life planned out. I knew exactly what I wanted, the places I wanted to travel, my dream job, and well, the next five years of my life. Now I don't have the faintest clue if any of those things will every happen.

But for some unexplainable reason, I am excited. I like my five year plan and knowing exactly what I want, but there is always that uncertainty in life that makes your heart beat and your palms sweat. When you don't know what is happening to your mind, body, or heart. Your world is getting flip upside down and kicked to the moon. The adrenaline starts pumping and all of a sudden you can't wait to live life. Kinda like jumping out of a plane.

My five year plan is laying at the foot of my bed in shreds. Things that I thought would fulfill and make me happy, no longer matter. I don't know what I am doing, but I am holding my Fathers hand tight. He will guide me. I trust Him fully and He is the only one that knows my true hearts desire.
Not all that wander are lost.